Arts Night x Tablet

Hey there, it's been a while :)

The past two days have been two of the most unproductive, but fun days I've have this year!! Hopefully there's no correlation between the two, because I would like to believe that being productive is somewhat enjoyable.

Friday

Yesterday, I went for Arts Night at school. 

Initially, I thought it would be kinda boring like last year (went with shitty people, did not know many people either). People always say that first impression counts and my first impression of this event was NOT good. But because my friends were performing, I went to support them despite being really exhausted.

I do not regret my decision at all, because I had a blast!

Yes this is caramelldansen. /cue 2007 memories/

My friends performed really really well, and so did everyone else on stage. It was amazeballs, I could not HAHAHA

And and and after the performance one of my performing friends actl came up and gave me one of the warmest hugs I've ever received in my life. Which made me really really happy inside. I-it's not because he's kinda cute... /cough cough cough/ 

ANYWAY, I had a really fun time and I'm so thankful that I stepped out of my comfort zone to attend this event again despite my bad experience last year. ^_^

Saturday

Today I did... nothing much! (Tbh i'm low key guilty but high key relaxed so imma just sit back and let karma hit me tomorrow when I go 'why didn't I work hard yesterday? T_T)

My sister gave me her tablet on Friday after she got a new laptop so I'm now the proud owner of one white laptop (Juliet) and one black tablet (Romeo)! I feel like they are siblings which makes no sense because R&J are star-crossed lovers but that's besides the point.

Introducing my tablet! 

Bartholomew on top for special effect~

It's really small and compact, but the tablet screen is large enough for comfortable usage! It also comes with a keyboard, which is a little heavy but really useful! 

Yes that's Subaru and Yui. /shot/

My sister saw this and said 'You made it cute!'

I love my tablet so much now! I can imagine it being mighty convenient for me to use for schoolwork and CCA illustrations. It is a little laggy though, but nothing is perfect so I will live with it ^_^

Ironically, this tablet is supposed to aid me in my studies, but today I was really unproductive. HAHA 

Oh well, I'm pretty sure everyone has one of these days. I still have some time to buck the f up before the term exams. 

Speaking of terms, I really want to get good grades but I'm afraid of disappointment. I'm also afraid of the categorising the teachers are gonna do for bio. The anxiety that if I do well, I'll be put in a fast-paced class VS the anxiety that if I do poorly, I'm going to be labelled as 'stupid' is... slightly overwhelming. But the former is certainly better than the latter. Whatever, I will somehow get there.

The other day, my mom told me to stop being so afraid of everything and to start living. I'm taking that advice, but it's still somehow in me to worry a lot. 

Whatever happens, happens. Life is as simple and as complicated as that. 

The other day my GP teacher was presenting us with the theory that we are all part of a computer simulation. Which is mind blowing and really cool. @The person controlling my actions, please make wiser decisions on my part HAHAHA. 

So yeah I guess that's it. Sorry if this post lacks depth because I'm kinda sleepy and overly chill today. Yawn.

Alright that's all from me, thank you for reading. 

Be gentle to yourself.

Source : todoelajo.tumblr.com

Hello. As of now I'm just casually blogging in between studying, because, well... I don't want to overload myself.

Today I'm just going to casually talk/vent about the importance of being gentle to yourself.

You might be thinking, 'what the f is she talking about?' Well, I'm talking about gentleness in both the physical and mental sense.

Here's a textbook definition on what it means to be gentle:

Gentle - to be 'moderate in action, effect, or degree; not strong or violent.'

What does this mean? Well, it took me a long time/effort to truly understand what it means. But I'll try to keep it simple.

To be gentle to yourself means to not be too harsh on yourself, not use unkind words on yourself as some form of twisted motivation, not to use physical violence on yourself when you feel like you did not meet expectations etc.

And you might be thinking - 'Dude that sounds sick. I don't do that often, if at all.' But how sure are you of this?

A lot of us are familiar with the feeling of not being good enough. And this terrible feeling usually comes hand in hand with harsh self-treatment, as well as the erosion of one's self worth.

From seemingly mild thoughts like 'I suck compared to her' to extreme ones like 'No matter how hard I try, I'll never be as good/as pretty/ as smart/ as capable...', all these thoughts are extremely ungentle. Scratch that, they are brutal, unkind words that you should never use on yourself.

And I get it. Sometimes you need that extra push in the form of harshness to get yourself going. But the negative effects of this harsh  motivation is... immense.

For example, If you constantly tell yourself you're not good enough in an attempt to become good enough, what happens when you don't achieve what you want and you end up believing what you told yourself in the first place?

And here's where I bring in the secret recipe - the mental equivalent of comfort food like fish porridge, french fries and crispy fried chicken (for me, heheh.)

Be gentle to yourself. 

Sounds like a tough feat, but really, once you incorporate it into your everyday life, it becomes a lot easier.

EXAMPLES :

Instead of saying...

'I didn't finish my work today. Fuck my life because of my laziness I'm going to lag behind the others.'

Try telling yourself...

'I didn't finish my work today, but that's okay because now that I've acknowledged my mistake/faults, I can work on it and there's always time to be better than I am now.'

For my Chinese friends out there, there's even a succinct, blanket phrase that you can tell yourself gently :

'不要说自己不好，告诉自己明天会更好。'

Translation : Don't say that you're no good, tell yourself that tomorrow will be better.

Sounds better before its literal translation but you get the gist.

For my Japanese friends out there, it may even be much much simpler! Telling yourself the simple 'しょうがない' (shouganai ; it can't be helped) will help to cushion your existing anxieties even just a little and make your life simpler.

You see, instead of eating away at your self-esteem and amplifying your mistakes, being gentle to yourself can help you to -

(a) Acknowledge your mistakes

(b) Redirect yourself to seeking a solution

(c) Preserve your self-esteem, because god damn it we're all humans and sometimes we don't work the way we want ourselves to.

And why am I writing all these? Because ever since I realised this secret recipe of being gentle to yourself, my life became so much easier and more productive.

I'm able to get more work done, all the while feeling significantly less stressed, less boggled down by anxieties, and generally more calm and clear about what I'm doing with my life. 

The feelings of being unloved, inadequate, worthless... They can, and will be washed away by gentle words. Words you don't have to rely on others to hear - Say them for yourself to hear. 

Source : moregeously.tumblr.com

Negativity is like a sea of murky water. If you're in a ship, the only way you can drown is when the sea water gets to you - i.e. when you use harsh words and erode away parts of your ship. But when you're gentle to yourself, you're patching up the broken pieces of yourself. The negativity and darkness will not get to you so easily. 

So I'll leave you with this quote, and hopefully from now on you'll be more gentle to yourself.

'Be careful what you say to yourself, because you are listening.'

That's all from me today, I hope this helps, even just a little ^_^ 

Relax and let go.

Every Chinese New Year it kinda feels like a game of Mario Kart - first I'm cruisin' on, in the lead and errthang, then suddenly I fall off the cliff or circuit and I'm drowning lmao. 

So right now I'm experiencing the stressful period after I return from Malaysia and have a shit ton of responsibilities and assignments because apparently I'm treated like a child but supposed to function like an adult ;v; 

I guess I'm somewhat on track now, but goddamn it I just need to survive this week. And the next. And life, basically. 

I know it's unhealthy to say 'I'll be xxx after this' or 'I'll do xxx after that' but I'll say it anyway. I hope that by the end of this year, I'll somehow find a life that isn't about needing to escape my life. /stares at As/ 

I know it'll all pass by quickly. I know that. I know all that, and that's why I know nothing. 

Excerpt from my diary circa 2014 when I was slugging through Os and apparently 16 year old me thought it was the worst time of my life - 

'Recently school has really been stressing me out. It's not just the exams, but the people and teachers at school are just giving me tons of anxiety... /insert other angst/ I don't know. I just don't know anymore. /more angst/ I haven't had a good break at all since MYE. So horrible ;-; '

And looking back, J2 me now is like 'Honey, you got a big storm comingggg', but I'm sure if my uni self, or maybe even myself when I've become a wife, or a mother, looks back on this, she'll be like 'lmao that JC stuff was hella unimportant and not so worth it stressing about.'

And I guess it's kinda true. One bad grade/ one bad impression/ one bad whatever can't really hurt me in time to come. Actually nothing hurts if you don't let it, right?

Amidst this academic frenzy, I'm still recovering from the pain and sometimes I don't know what's what. But I know that I'm getting somewhere. I'm trying to get somewhere, that is.

Oh well, what's the use of worrying anyway. I'll just be me. And everything will eventually fall into place. If it doesn't 'fall into place', then I'm pretty sure it has just fallen into some other place that doesn't belong to me.

I relax, I let go. 

My life is in perfect flow.